Thursday, August 31, 2006
Today is my 22nd wedding anniversary. I'm not entirely sure how that happened--I must have gotten married when I was about 4. But in honor of the occasion, here are
There's almost certainly sappiness ahead. You've been warned.
the list:
- Communication is really, really important, both in big ways and small ways. It's how you stay connected. It's important to talk about issues and feelings; it's also important to talk about everyday things. And don't forget non-verbal communication.
- How to talk to men. Even Carl, evolved as he is, doesn't really do subtle. Being direct is the key. You want something done, you don't hint around and hope he picks up the signals--you tell him straight out.
- Married sex is way better than single sex, and gets moreso the longer we've been married. The freedom you get from being with someone who knows you that well and loves and accepts you, and vice versa, is incredibly liberating. And the intimacy adds an emotional dimension to the physical pleasure.
- The best way to get him to stop snoring is to pinch his butt. Well, okay, maybe it's not the best way, but it is effective. It wakes him up enough to make the snoring stop, releases that aggression that's been building up while I've been gritting my teeth and listening to it, and besides that, it's really enteraining the way he jumps.
- Fighting (arguing, not fistfights) is a good thing. At least the way we do it. There's a lot of yelling, carrying on, hyperbole, drama, and maybe even tears, and it can go on for a while, though we've gotten more efficient at it over the years. But we keep talking (loudly) until we cut through all the crap and get to the heart of the issue, which is very often only loosely related to whatever started the argument in the first place. It clears the air, keeps resentments from building up and festering, prompts changes, and increases intimacy.
- Sex isn't just a fun way to pass the time. It's important. Whenever we go through a dry spell, I find myself getting more and more irritable. Conclusion: orgasms are nature's prozac.
- There's rarely one right way to do anything, and if he does the dishes differently than I do, it doesn't matter--the point is, he's doing them and I'm not. Though I'm still working on the whole dishcloth thing.
- It's important to spend time together, just the two of us. It was more important when the kids were small, to get some quality adult time. It's also important now that they're older. It lets us see each other as ourselves, not just as parents or domestic partners, and reminds us why we're married.
- How to give a great blow job. Not that he had any complaints in the beginning, you understand, and it is a work in progress, constantly evolving, but I must say I'm damn good now.
- Never to pass up an opportunity to show affection. It's so easy to let the casual kisses and hugs slide, but just that little connection makes a big difference in our attitude toward each other.
- You've got to cut each other some slack. Sure, Carl has faults--some days I notice them more than others--but here's the thing: so do I. If I want him to ignore mine, it's only fair for me to ignore his.
- Pavlov was right. Positive reinforcement is a great way to influence behavior. The sneaky thing about it, though, is that it works on both sides. If I, for example, show appreciation when Carl makes dinner or vacuums, not only is he more likely to do it again, but it makes me feel all warm fuzzies, too.
- Life is about choices. So I've learned to do cost-benefit analyses. Actually, I learned this in accounting classes, but applied it to marriage. (It's the way my mind works--you want emotion and romance, talk to Carl.) I make dozens of little decisions every day, assessing importance and consequences. Love, intimacy, and trust are choices. Every day, in a bunch of little ways, I choose to take those risks. And it's so worth it.
Disclaimer: These are things I've learned. YMMV.
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Awesome list, Darla! Might I request an expansion on #9 for your next 13?
*snicker*
*snicker*
# posted by 
: 8/31/2006 6:16 PM
: 8/31/2006 6:16 PM 
Gee, Doug, that sounds like a great idea... but how to come up with 13 steps?
Thanks for the anniversary wishes!
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Thanks for the anniversary wishes!
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