Friday, June 23, 2006
Theory # 27: Relationships: The Break-Up
We just went to see the movie The Break-Up last night, and boy, did it spark a lot of conversation. The writers, I think, nailed the behavior of people in relationships. The way they screw it up, that is.
Their problems come down to two basics: thinking and communicating. Not surprising, since in my overall Theory of Relationships, that's what it's all about: thinking--knowing yourself, understanding what you want, understanding your motivations; and communicating--letting your partner know what you want and how you feel. Pretty much everything else builds on that.
Warning: there are some mild spoilers ahead.
| The precipitating fight: she wants him to help out with the dinner; he wants to chill | They're both assuming the other knows what they want and is maliciously denying them, and neither is thinking about why these things are so important to them. | Neither comes out and tells the other what they want and why. instead, typically, she accuses, and he ignores/evades. |
| Before the fight: they're both building up resentments. She works very hard at keeping the apartment beautiful, making fancy dinners, etc. He works at his job, hoping to make enough money so she doesn't have to work. | Neither one of them is realizing that the other doesn't give a rat's ass about what they're supposedly doing for them. He doesn't care that the apartment is spotless. She doesn't want to quit working. They don't realize that they're not doing these things for each other--they're doing them for themselves. | They're not communicating, again, what they want and why they want it, or what they're doing and why they're doing it. Talking it out would 1) eliminate counterproductive assumptions, and 2) make them appreciate what the other person is doing. |
| The escalation: after the initial fight, it becomes a battleground, with each one trying to outdo the other, trying to force the other one to be the first to give in. | Again, neither one is thinking things through. They're not thinking about what's really the best way to get the other one back, or even about whether they really want the other one back. It's just become a game they have to win. | They're communicating only in challenges and ultimatums, and instead of having a good screaming fight where they keep going until they get to the real issues and hash them out, they cut short any attempts at communication. |
| The aftermath: they finally, and separately, come to their senses. She invites him to a concert. He makes dinner for her. | They're finally thinking about what they want and how to go about getting it. | She doesn't communicate that the concert is an olive branch, instead going out of her way to make it seem like it's no big deal. He finally does communicate how he feels about her and his willingness to change, but it's too late. |
I'm not sure if the relationship in the movie could have been salvaged--they both had some individual issues that they needed to work out, and they seemed to want such different things from life. But if they'd been thinking and communicating all along, they'd have discovered those issues much sooner and either dealt with them, learned to live with them, or broken up sooner.
...more
Categories: Theories, Relationships
Labels: relationships, theories
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Sounds like he stands a better chance of having a successful relationship eventually, because at least he's learned something from the experience. The passive-aggressive behaviour, not being clear about their own needs, making assumptions about the other person's needs and being unable to communicate stuff all remind me of the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Have you read it? It's the letters of an older devil to a younger one, explaining how to tempt humans. One of the letters explains how full of suppressed rage and pride humans can get while all the time thinking they're doing what the other person wants. Screwtape describes a family where they all try to defer to each other's supposed wishes about what to have for breakfast, where to go for the day etc, and they all end up feeling martyred, but it's all completely self-inflicted (with a bit of encouragement from the devils). That was a book I found funny. It does have a strong Christian message, of course, but you can read it as metaphor.
# posted by 
: 6/23/2006 2:34 PM
: 6/23/2006 2:34 PM
Yes, that was one thing I came away from the movie with--that he in particular had learned something and would be able to use that in a future relationship.
Thanks for the recommendation. No, I haven't read it, but it sounds like something I'd enjoy.
I'm laughing about the family trying to defer to each other's wishes. We call that "going to Abilene" after a story a friend told us that describes the situation perfectly. I'll have to write about that one of these days.
Thanks for the recommendation. No, I haven't read it, but it sounds like something I'd enjoy.
I'm laughing about the family trying to defer to each other's wishes. We call that "going to Abilene" after a story a friend told us that describes the situation perfectly. I'll have to write about that one of these days.
Here's a link to an excerpt, taken from the beginning of the Screwtape Letters: http://www.cslewisclassics.com/books/screwtape_letters-excerpt.html
Humour's so subjective that it's probably worth reading that first, to see if it would appeal to you.
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Humour's so subjective that it's probably worth reading that first, to see if it would appeal to you.
# posted by : 6/23/2006 9:34 PM
: 6/23/2006 9:34 PM << Home
