Friday, June 16, 2006
Theory # 26: Relationships: Variety is the spice of life
Giving credit where it's due: Doug's Thursday Thirteen post yesterday had me thinking:
So I talked to my husband about it. He was of the opinion that cheating was the point--that it's the excitement of doing something forbidden rather than the allure of the 3rd person. That makes sense, but I came up with another theory, too.
Which doesn't bother me in the slightest. People rarely have only one reason for doing something, and nothing involving human behavior is completely simple.
My theory is that people need variety. We get it in different ways, but we all need it to one extent or another. In fact, this explains another thing I've often wondered about: people who talk about sex on the dining table or in someone else's bedroom as being really risque.
In sexual relationships, I think you can have variety in different ways:
What I wonder is whether it's possible to substitute one form of variety for another. I suspect not, though that does seem to be behind a lot of relationship advice: roleplaying to simulate a variety in partners, and sex tips like Doug found in Cosmo.
Would that make a monagamous cheater like an ex-gay? Suppressing their needs for the sake of social acceptance? I'd hate to say that a tendency to desire variety in partners is as hard-wired as which gender you're sexually attracted to--not least because I'd have to stop thinking of cheaters as slimeballs.
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Categories: Theories, Relationships
Don’t cheat in the first place, dumbass! Jeez. If you care that little about a relationship, leave the relationship.I've said something similar myself, and it had me wondering about cheating, and why so many people do it rather than just leaving the relationship first. Besides, you know, being a slimeball.
So I talked to my husband about it. He was of the opinion that cheating was the point--that it's the excitement of doing something forbidden rather than the allure of the 3rd person. That makes sense, but I came up with another theory, too.
Which doesn't bother me in the slightest. People rarely have only one reason for doing something, and nothing involving human behavior is completely simple.
My theory is that people need variety. We get it in different ways, but we all need it to one extent or another. In fact, this explains another thing I've often wondered about: people who talk about sex on the dining table or in someone else's bedroom as being really risque.
In sexual relationships, I think you can have variety in different ways:
- One is, of course, variety in partners, which is where cheating comes in, as well as swinging, threesomes, and other varieties of open relationships. Doing the same sorts of things in the same sorts of places, but with different people.
- Another is variety in place, like the dining table or the car. Same person, same kind of sex, different places.
- And then there's variety in the act itself, which is why we've had a great monagamous sex life for 22 years. I suspect part of the longevity of our marriage is due to the fact that we both find our sexual variety in the same way. Well, that, and good imaginations. Anyone who says there's a limited number of ways to have sex is just not trying.
- Any combination of the above.
What I wonder is whether it's possible to substitute one form of variety for another. I suspect not, though that does seem to be behind a lot of relationship advice: roleplaying to simulate a variety in partners, and sex tips like Doug found in Cosmo.
Would that make a monagamous cheater like an ex-gay? Suppressing their needs for the sake of social acceptance? I'd hate to say that a tendency to desire variety in partners is as hard-wired as which gender you're sexually attracted to--not least because I'd have to stop thinking of cheaters as slimeballs.
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Categories: Theories, Relationships
Labels: relationships, theories
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And then there's sex that happens so infrequently you never even get the chance to be bored . . .
Not that I would know anything about that. I'm just saying.
Not that I would know anything about that. I'm just saying.
# posted by 
: 6/16/2006 7:00 PM
: 6/16/2006 7:00 PM
I'm not sure everyone does need variety. There are some people who like the comfort of eating the same foods regularly, and I'm sure the same applies in relationships too. And then there are the picky eaters, they aren't going to want to sample new foods, and I'd imagine that people who are very picky in their requirements in a partner will be much less likely to cheat, because (a) they'll not find so many suitable people to cheat with and (b) they'll probably value the person they found more, because if they're picky they'll know that that sort of person isn't easy to find.
Then there are the people who do destructive things to get attention, or to fix their inner unhappiness. Some people turn to drugs, or make suicide attempts, other people perhaps become promiscuous as a way to boost their self esteem, or because they want their spouse to find out. They do say that there are plenty of cheaters who 'want to be caught'. It can almost be a cry for help - they want out of the relationship, or they want the relationship to change, but they don't know how to get out, or make a change in a positive way, so they cheat.
And there are no doubt plenty of people in relationships that aren't so great, so they fall in love/lust with someone else. But they don't want a divorce because it would split up the family (i.e. if children are involved), be expensive, make things uncomfortable with their social circles, be against their religion etc etc. If they're in love then they maybe get into an affair and want both that and the marriage/steady relationship, but they want the different partners for different reasons.
Personally, I'm not big on variety. I'm monogamous, monotheistic and have only one child. I do eat more than one type of food, admittedly, but I'm vegetarian, which narrows things down a lot. So, not anti-choice, but once I've found something good or that works, I stick to it.
Then there are the people who do destructive things to get attention, or to fix their inner unhappiness. Some people turn to drugs, or make suicide attempts, other people perhaps become promiscuous as a way to boost their self esteem, or because they want their spouse to find out. They do say that there are plenty of cheaters who 'want to be caught'. It can almost be a cry for help - they want out of the relationship, or they want the relationship to change, but they don't know how to get out, or make a change in a positive way, so they cheat.
And there are no doubt plenty of people in relationships that aren't so great, so they fall in love/lust with someone else. But they don't want a divorce because it would split up the family (i.e. if children are involved), be expensive, make things uncomfortable with their social circles, be against their religion etc etc. If they're in love then they maybe get into an affair and want both that and the marriage/steady relationship, but they want the different partners for different reasons.
Personally, I'm not big on variety. I'm monogamous, monotheistic and have only one child. I do eat more than one type of food, admittedly, but I'm vegetarian, which narrows things down a lot. So, not anti-choice, but once I've found something good or that works, I stick to it.
# posted by : 6/16/2006 7:46 PM
: 6/16/2006 7:46 PM
Doug: LOL, then sex itself is the variety.
Laura: Hmmm. Good point, that not everyone needs variety. There's probably a spectrum of that, too--from people who would be perfectly content doing everything identically every day to people who crave variety in every facet of their lives.
And there are probably psychological factors to the amount of variety a person wants at different times in their lives.
Obviously, there are multiple reasons why people cheat. Wanting variety just struck me today (or rather last night) as something I hadn't considered.
Laura: Hmmm. Good point, that not everyone needs variety. There's probably a spectrum of that, too--from people who would be perfectly content doing everything identically every day to people who crave variety in every facet of their lives.
And there are probably psychological factors to the amount of variety a person wants at different times in their lives.
Obviously, there are multiple reasons why people cheat. Wanting variety just struck me today (or rather last night) as something I hadn't considered.
great post! and good comments. :D i agree completely with variety, just because we do have a tendency to get bored (we get bored of our jobs - so we apply to another company, we get bored of the location so we relocate, and then we just have to make sure we don't get bored of each other!!!! so our trick is to communicate. We have come to the conclusion that the secret to a long lasting marriage is based on 2 simple things: sex and communication. And good sex depends on good communication. So a good marriage is down to communication!!!! :D
I agree with your points of variety in location, position etc... we tried the car and it was very very unconfortable and cold and unconfortable. But i bought the Kama Sutra some 2 years ago just for a laugh (the old version with the original indian paintings). It is not very helpful, but it still cracks us up. At the end of the day, we have concluded that men and women have different ways to approach sex, to have different tastes when it comes to it and the differences go on and on. We just respect each other and try to come to an agreement on how we can both be happy. I look at it this way: in general men can go for "fast food sex" (McDonals sex) - quick and they are happy with that. Women on the other hand are not so fond of fast food sex, we much prefer the gourmet version with the hors d'oeuvres, entrée, starters, main dish, side dish, desert, rosé wine etc. etc....
I think it is important to talk about sex in a way that people feel like they can share and i am glad someone is talking about it. :D I myself could write a thesis, but i could end up boring people! LOL. Tschüss.
I agree with your points of variety in location, position etc... we tried the car and it was very very unconfortable and cold and unconfortable. But i bought the Kama Sutra some 2 years ago just for a laugh (the old version with the original indian paintings). It is not very helpful, but it still cracks us up. At the end of the day, we have concluded that men and women have different ways to approach sex, to have different tastes when it comes to it and the differences go on and on. We just respect each other and try to come to an agreement on how we can both be happy. I look at it this way: in general men can go for "fast food sex" (McDonals sex) - quick and they are happy with that. Women on the other hand are not so fond of fast food sex, we much prefer the gourmet version with the hors d'oeuvres, entrée, starters, main dish, side dish, desert, rosé wine etc. etc....
I think it is important to talk about sex in a way that people feel like they can share and i am glad someone is talking about it. :D I myself could write a thesis, but i could end up boring people! LOL. Tschüss.
Thanks, Nyasha! I agree completely. If I had to define one single thing responsible for the success/longevity of my marriage, it would be communication.
I love the food analogy. Once in a while, McDonald's sex is okay, but a steady diet of it would be awfully boring. :)
In fact, the food analogy goes along with the rest of my theories--if all you've got is McDonald's, you might spice it up by eating it in the car, in the restaurant, or on the picnic tables outside, or by inviting someone different to eat it with you. But if it's a gourmet dinner, the possibilities for variety and invention there are endless--different appetizers, different soup, different wine....
Thanks for sparking my imagination. :)
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I love the food analogy. Once in a while, McDonald's sex is okay, but a steady diet of it would be awfully boring. :)
In fact, the food analogy goes along with the rest of my theories--if all you've got is McDonald's, you might spice it up by eating it in the car, in the restaurant, or on the picnic tables outside, or by inviting someone different to eat it with you. But if it's a gourmet dinner, the possibilities for variety and invention there are endless--different appetizers, different soup, different wine....
Thanks for sparking my imagination. :)
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