Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Theory # 23: Parenting Theories: You Get the Kids You Want
Okay, that's a complete oversimplification, and it's not even true for a whole host of things, but hey, it's catchy, and it applies to something I've been observing and thinking about for a while now.
the theory:
We recently went to a dinner with a large group of other adults, and one couple brought their teenage son along. He's a classmate of our son's, in fact. This kid amazed me. He behaved like a very poised adult, which is to say, better than most of the rest of us. He introduced himself, shook hands, and initiated conversations with everyone. And not in the precocious self-centered way a lot of kids who spend a lot of time around adults do. And I thought about my own son, who, though he's very polite, would have just sat quietly and tried to be invisible.
Then there's our niece, who's winning state-wide track events at the age of 8.
And of course a whole host of other kids who, when I look at them, make me wonder how and why I'm screwing up.
Both my mom and my mother-in-law tell me that their kids (meaning us) were better behaved in myriad ways than their grandchildren are, and it seems most parents in our generation have heard the same thing from their parents.
On the flip side are the kids like the ones who run wild in restaurants, tripping waiters and stealing french fries off your plate, and the one I saw in the grocery store taste-testing all the toothpastes.
It's not all due to parenting, of course--kids have different temperaments, and there are other things that affect behavior--psychological problems, ADHD, etc. But all else being equal, I believe you get the kids you want.
The boy who was so poised--his parents taught him this. He didn't come that way. They taught him that because it was important to them.
My brother-in-law and sister-in-law have encouraged their daughter's running and encouraged her to compete. That's important to them.
For us, though, competition and socializing aren't very big parts of our lives, so they're not things we've thought important to instill in our kids.
The parents of the badly-behaved kids haven't enforced better behavior because, for one reason or another, it's not important to them. Or most likely, something else is more important: having their kids like them, or just avoiding the stress of discipline.
For our parents, controlling kids was a very important thing--cleaning your plate, not talking back, being seen but not heard--all things they thought were important.
In our house, consideration and thinking are probably what we think are most important. In fact, our youngest son's first word was "please." They're all polite, but none of them accept things at face value. A parental request accompanied by an explanation: "I'm tired this week, so I really need help with the laundry--could you please put in a load of darks?" is readily and cheerfully complied with. An order, on the other hand, will at the very least elicit a "why?" The grandmothers are appalled by this. It makes me happy, though. I don't want unquestioning obedience--I want kids who care about people. Questions from the kids are most often met, not with a straight answer, but with "think about it." As a result, they have their own opinions and are great at deductive reasoning.
I've gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I think it's a useful thing to realize how what you want, what's important to you, influences what you emphasize in raising your kids, and in turn influences what kind of kids you get. Once you analyze that, you can either accept or modify your own habits.
Categories: Theories, Parenting
the theory:
We recently went to a dinner with a large group of other adults, and one couple brought their teenage son along. He's a classmate of our son's, in fact. This kid amazed me. He behaved like a very poised adult, which is to say, better than most of the rest of us. He introduced himself, shook hands, and initiated conversations with everyone. And not in the precocious self-centered way a lot of kids who spend a lot of time around adults do. And I thought about my own son, who, though he's very polite, would have just sat quietly and tried to be invisible.
Then there's our niece, who's winning state-wide track events at the age of 8.
And of course a whole host of other kids who, when I look at them, make me wonder how and why I'm screwing up.
Both my mom and my mother-in-law tell me that their kids (meaning us) were better behaved in myriad ways than their grandchildren are, and it seems most parents in our generation have heard the same thing from their parents.
On the flip side are the kids like the ones who run wild in restaurants, tripping waiters and stealing french fries off your plate, and the one I saw in the grocery store taste-testing all the toothpastes.
It's not all due to parenting, of course--kids have different temperaments, and there are other things that affect behavior--psychological problems, ADHD, etc. But all else being equal, I believe you get the kids you want.
The boy who was so poised--his parents taught him this. He didn't come that way. They taught him that because it was important to them.
My brother-in-law and sister-in-law have encouraged their daughter's running and encouraged her to compete. That's important to them.
For us, though, competition and socializing aren't very big parts of our lives, so they're not things we've thought important to instill in our kids.
The parents of the badly-behaved kids haven't enforced better behavior because, for one reason or another, it's not important to them. Or most likely, something else is more important: having their kids like them, or just avoiding the stress of discipline.
For our parents, controlling kids was a very important thing--cleaning your plate, not talking back, being seen but not heard--all things they thought were important.
In our house, consideration and thinking are probably what we think are most important. In fact, our youngest son's first word was "please." They're all polite, but none of them accept things at face value. A parental request accompanied by an explanation: "I'm tired this week, so I really need help with the laundry--could you please put in a load of darks?" is readily and cheerfully complied with. An order, on the other hand, will at the very least elicit a "why?" The grandmothers are appalled by this. It makes me happy, though. I don't want unquestioning obedience--I want kids who care about people. Questions from the kids are most often met, not with a straight answer, but with "think about it." As a result, they have their own opinions and are great at deductive reasoning.
I've gone off on a bit of a tangent, but I think it's a useful thing to realize how what you want, what's important to you, influences what you emphasize in raising your kids, and in turn influences what kind of kids you get. Once you analyze that, you can either accept or modify your own habits.
Categories: Theories, Parenting
Comments:
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Darla- it depends. In my case I have a 2 out of 3 success rate with kids. Same parents, same wants, same influences, same things important in raising all 3. I can tell you that it just about kills you when you fail parenting 101.
I can also tell you that Darla's kids are exceptional and very good with the adults that Darla 'forces ' on them ;)
Jill
I can also tell you that Darla's kids are exceptional and very good with the adults that Darla 'forces ' on them ;)
Jill
# posted by 
: 5/26/2006 5:33 AM
: 5/26/2006 5:33 AM
{{{{hugs}}}}, Jill. Sometimes you can do everything right and it still doesn't work. Even though I feel like I won the kid lottery, I've still got a drama queen who, while she doesn't have an ulcer yet, is well on her way to it.
I know it's really not that simple, especially for the big things.
Heh. Thanks. You haven't met Dagz yet, but I keep hoping I'll be able to bring her to a TTP eventually.
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I know it's really not that simple, especially for the big things.
Heh. Thanks. You haven't met Dagz yet, but I keep hoping I'll be able to bring her to a TTP eventually.
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