Friday, December 02, 2005
Theory # 14: Families: The Perfect Holiday Gathering
The most important thing to remember about the Perfect Family Holiday Gathering is... It doesn't exist. There is no such thing. Get that out of your head right now. Norman Rockwell? Was an idiot. He was a man, for heaven's sake. What did he know about getting a perfect-looking holiday dinner on a perfect-looking table surrounded by perfect-looking family members? Tell you what--it's a lot easier to achieve with paint and canvas than it is with flesh and blood and groceries. ...
It took me a long time and a lot of frustration to figure out how to deal with family holiday gatherings. but I think I've got it down now.
The trick is to say "what the fuck" and realize that most of it just doesn't matter. At all.
Figure out your priorities--what's most important to you, and starting at the top of the list, do as much as you have the time, energy, and desire to do. Leave the rest to other people, and accept that it might not get done. The theory here is that on your prioritized list of the elements of a perfect holiday, you've taken care of the top 5 or 10 or whatever. Therefore, anything that the relatives leave out or screw up won't be something that important, so you can say the hell with it.
The thing is, your priority list is pretty much guaranteed not to be the same as anyone else's. Surprise!
You might think having a beautifully set table is in your top 5. Uncle Vernon couldn't care less--he's more interested in having a comfy chair to watch football in. You can't imagine Thanksgiving dinner without cranberry sauce.
Your mother-in-law, on the other hand, hates cranberry sauce, but thinks no holiday dinner is complete without the mashed potatoes you think are just filler. So you let your mother-in-law bring the mashed potatoes because you've told her you just don't have time to make them this year. If she forgets, or makes crappy ones, you're not going to care because you didn't really want them anyway.
Try to see the zen. Embrace non-perfection. Hardly anyone notices the difference between perfect and 75%. And if they do, it'll give them something to feel superior about, and make them happy. Think of screwing up as your gift to them.
I especially apply this when it comes to housecleaning. I figure if my sister-in-law sees dust on my living room shelves, it'll make her feel good about her housekeeping skills and she'll feel less guilty that I did all the cooking. Really, if you think about it, it's not nice to be perfect--it intimidates people and makes them feel inferior. So quit trying to show off.
Remind yourself, frequently, that the point isn't to have things perfect--it's to get together with family. You'll enjoy them more if you're not stressed out.
Yes, I got angry about the injustice of it: I was doing so much, why couldn't they at least clean up or make the damn potatoes or decorate the table? And why should I have to do all the "important" stuff? It took me a while, but I finally started thinking that if they didn't care enough about it to help out, why should I care what they thought? And I decided that I should just do what I wanted to do, and please myself. It took longer to realize that "important" to me wasn't necessarily important to anyone else, and to discover that in pleasing myself, everyone else ended up happier as well.
Let me tell you, it was a weird feeling to discover that acting in a way that felt selfish made a more relaxed holiday and made everybody happy, me included.
read more
Categories: Theories, Families
It took me a long time and a lot of frustration to figure out how to deal with family holiday gatherings. but I think I've got it down now.
The trick is to say "what the fuck" and realize that most of it just doesn't matter. At all.
Figure out your priorities--what's most important to you, and starting at the top of the list, do as much as you have the time, energy, and desire to do. Leave the rest to other people, and accept that it might not get done. The theory here is that on your prioritized list of the elements of a perfect holiday, you've taken care of the top 5 or 10 or whatever. Therefore, anything that the relatives leave out or screw up won't be something that important, so you can say the hell with it.
The thing is, your priority list is pretty much guaranteed not to be the same as anyone else's. Surprise!
You might think having a beautifully set table is in your top 5. Uncle Vernon couldn't care less--he's more interested in having a comfy chair to watch football in. You can't imagine Thanksgiving dinner without cranberry sauce.
Your mother-in-law, on the other hand, hates cranberry sauce, but thinks no holiday dinner is complete without the mashed potatoes you think are just filler. So you let your mother-in-law bring the mashed potatoes because you've told her you just don't have time to make them this year. If she forgets, or makes crappy ones, you're not going to care because you didn't really want them anyway.
Try to see the zen. Embrace non-perfection. Hardly anyone notices the difference between perfect and 75%. And if they do, it'll give them something to feel superior about, and make them happy. Think of screwing up as your gift to them.
I especially apply this when it comes to housecleaning. I figure if my sister-in-law sees dust on my living room shelves, it'll make her feel good about her housekeeping skills and she'll feel less guilty that I did all the cooking. Really, if you think about it, it's not nice to be perfect--it intimidates people and makes them feel inferior. So quit trying to show off.
Remind yourself, frequently, that the point isn't to have things perfect--it's to get together with family. You'll enjoy them more if you're not stressed out.
Yes, I got angry about the injustice of it: I was doing so much, why couldn't they at least clean up or make the damn potatoes or decorate the table? And why should I have to do all the "important" stuff? It took me a while, but I finally started thinking that if they didn't care enough about it to help out, why should I care what they thought? And I decided that I should just do what I wanted to do, and please myself. It took longer to realize that "important" to me wasn't necessarily important to anyone else, and to discover that in pleasing myself, everyone else ended up happier as well.
Let me tell you, it was a weird feeling to discover that acting in a way that felt selfish made a more relaxed holiday and made everybody happy, me included.
read more
Categories: Theories, Families
